Hi, my name is Maria, and I’m a 21-year-old trying to find some meaning and comfort in my daily life. Here, I want to share thoughts that are always trying to escape my mind but never quite manage to, because I don’t feel comfortable sharing dark and profound thoughts with the people I know. So, come along, maybe you’ll find something that resonates with you, and maybe you can share something with me, too!
My need and want of writing things have been documented for years by stories writen on paper, on my notes app, the computer and on that orange app where you can find all kinds of books, basically anywhere I can express myself. I can say I’m creative, but is a thing that comes and goes and I still haven’t figured out what gets me into that zone, where I can just sit down and write non stop, but I can also say that my mind is so full of “writing” stuff that it can no longer hold anything else, all the folders in my brain are screaming, “storage full”, even when I’m not doing anything.
A lot has been happening since the start of september and I think I am on the verge of a burnout. It was my boyfreind’s birthday, my moms birthday, which were pretty nice and sweet, but a week later my sweet grandma passed away at the ripe age of eighty-three and that really took a toll at me. I live in the same city as her’s, but it was so hard for me to find some time to visit her, every time I thought of it either something happened and I couldn’t do go, or she wasn’t feeling good enough for visitors, and now I feel really guilty for not trying harder, for wasting my time on thinking she would live forever and I would still have a lot of time with her, but that’s how life is, it surprises us in the most intense ways and we always regret the things we didn’t do. Her death really got me to be more thoughful and present, but first, it wrecked me, put me in and out of a three week depression episode that I still don’t feel totally out of, there is a strong lingering feeling of: “why do we do everything we do? What is the reason?”.
There is a chance that’s why I feel the need to share my mind with someone that I don’t know, in a language that I don’t speak as well as my own, somehow, that makes it easier and less embarassing. I have people to talk to if I need, but I feel so vulnerable when explaining my mind so open like that, it’s scary to even think about it.
That’s all I am going to share for today, a bit has been cleared from my brain and that will do for this moment.
I wish you a great week and hope we meet again.
With love, Maria.
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