The thoughts have been drowing me these past days, I cannot concentrate on only one thing. A minute I am thinking about college, the next I think about losing weight or questioning what I am going to eat for dinner. Even music is noisy lately, I feel like i am going insane.
I have postponed writing this because I don’t really know what to write about. I have written some things here and there so maybe sometimes like this I could just copy and paste but all that I wrote doesn’t seem fit for right now. I feel lost, once again and the faking till I make it feels very heavy. To even try to be productive is really tiring, I’ve been thinking to go back to journaling but guess what, I don’t have twenty minutes extra in my day to journal, it’s kind of sad.
A few months ago, an opportunity came up at my college to take a trip to London, a city that has been on my hot spots list to visit since I started learning english when I was just a little girl, but unfortunatly, I am not rich, an this trip is quite expensive, so that might just stay a dream. That made me quite angry and frustrated as money seems to be the only way to happiness, but I think about that all the time. I am still frustrated and eager to still be able to make it but I don’t think is going to happen, my parents don’t have that kind of money to just throw on a random trip that will last for less than a month. I might really want to go just because I really need to scape, to go to a place where my parents aren’t around, where my boyfriend isn’t around. It might be egotistic to think like that but as I said before, and you can clearly see, I am very overwhelmed. I really need and want to be able to go on this trip.
On top of all that mess going through my head, this week I spent mostly in my bed, fighting an incredibly painful headache till my boyfriend dragged me to a hospital where we spent about five hours trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It turned out to be a mix of things, the flu, an infection and something in my eyes. The good thing is the doctor put me on rest for five days so I don’t have to work ou go to school because of it, it’s a very needed but very short vacation.
I still feel very tired and I cannot do much, I have been sleeping twelve hours a night and find myself lying on my bed for most of the day, but what can I say, I barely get that sick. I really hate hospitals and doctors, they take so long to diagnose you and sometimes neglect your pain and suffering, but this time it wasn’t so bad, my headache was the real thing that made me want to go to the hospital, it was the worst physical pain I had ever felt.
Although this sickness brought a lot of sadness and a melancolic feeling into me, it still made me feel weirdly happy, in a sense of I can finally rest and do the things I couldn’t do before because I didn’t have time. It made me think a bit slower about all the things that have been filling my head up to the brim, but the silence and the absence of oblogations made my head fill up with other matters that I really avoid thinking during usual week days. It’s a mess, I feel more melancolic than ever and my want to run away is getting the better of me.
I have had some other weird thoughts creep in and they haven’t really left and I am very afraid of it. It is something that will drastically change my life and challenge me in ways I don’t think I am ready for, but it might be good to have change from time to time, and I have been feeling stuck for a good while already, but I dont know, it scares me.
I don’t even know what I am talking about, the days have been really short and I haven’t had a good time to sit down and write anything in a go, so this post is very messy, late and it leads nowhere. But it’s a good mostruary of how my thoughts work inside my head, a big sloppy mess that gets me right back where I started.
I wish you the best week and hope we meet again.
With love, Maria.
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